“She’s never where she is. She’s only inside her head.” – Unknown
This past week, I felt like dying, with no apparent reason. It seems weird, right? Sometimes, I don’t even understand my own thoughts. Maybe is it because of my anxiety? Or is it my depression? I don’t even know. I can’t think straight. My thoughts are cluttered up because of the way I think. I let down the people who believed in me. It wasn’t my intention; it was the monster living inside my head. It was the monster that is slowly eating up my mind.
The saying “Over thinking kills your happiness” is true. It really killed me. It killed my motivation to study and learn new things. And now, little by little, it’s killing my dreams and goals in life. When I’m alone with my own thoughts, I question myself, “Why must I always over think?”, “Why can’t I help myself to be better?” and “Why am I not proud of myself?” I always remind myself that it is only in my mind. But unknowingly, my mind is the main reason why I’m having this kind of thoughts.
My mind’s a mess and my heart’s a wrecked from the war in my mind. And suddenly, for no apparent reason, everything started to fall apart too quickly to fix. I didn’t mean to ruin everything but somehow I did. I can’t even explain how I feel anymore, my thoughts are so messed up that I don’t even understand them. And all I’m feeling right now are blankness, numbness, nothing. Should I run away or just kill myself? I know it’s stupid of me to run away or simply kill myself because those options can’t help me to feel better about how I’m feeling.
I don’t blame anyone. I did this to myself. It’s my fault. Everything’s my fault. It’s always been me who is my enemy. It is me who beats me up, who makes the monsters and who strips my confidence. But I don’t hide that fact that I’m a mess of unfinished thoughts, because soon enough, I’m going to embrace the glorious mess that I am.