Writing Myself Back Together

What is more deadly, a gun or a thought? A gun gives you the opportunity but a thought pulls the trigger and if it kills me tonight, I will be ready to die. I was 11 when I first experienced my panic attack at the burial of my uncle. Well, jokes on me, because I also felt like my own mind and body is slowly burying me with deep sorrow and I just wanted to not exist. Since then, anxiousness is my new best friend.

I was 13 when I knew I had anxiety and depression but was diagnosed at the age of 15. Different scenario would always trigger my mind. My grades, my siblings, everything was my problem until I wasn’t happy anymore. Instead, I felt like dying. But what does having anxiety and depression feels like? If I had to describe what having anxiety and depression feels like, I’d say that it’s like walking through the world beneath tornado skies without an umbrella, unsure if I’ll be able to find shelter when things get bad. Thinking, what kind of storm will it be? Something huge? Just enough? Can I handle it? If I can’t, how would people react? Will they still love me? Do you know what it’s like to be tortured by your own mind? It can be as exhausting physically, mentally and emotionally – the tears that come from nowhere, the knotted stomach, the squeezing in the chest. Every single day, the only thing I can think of is getting to a safe place where all things doesn’t exist, where I can breathe and finally take my eyes off the sky and divert my attention to something else.

Anxiety and depression stole my education. My motivation. My dreams. My future. My life. Me. My entire life was shaped by violence, so I wanted to end it violently. Sharp knives, ropes, and overdosing my medications. But I didn’t- I didn’t because somehow, after trying, God still wants me to live. Whenever I have the urge to kill myself, I always turn to writing. Writing is my form of surviving. I want to raise awareness and to stop the stigma of Mental Illness because what we experience every day is not a joke. We are not a joke. Our Mental Illness is not a joke. Up to this day,I am still learning how to love myself enough to take care of myself and I’ll be honest, it’s not easy. But I know I’ll get there eventually.

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